We had some fun at work yesterday. I’m still chuckling at the pure mad joy of it all.  If I had to write it as a formula it would look something like this:

Levity × Mirth ÷ Delicious Daftness = Yesterday

It’s a day I’ll cherish until I’m an old man looking back at my life. “That day with the lanyards!” I’ll say to the poorly paid care worker giving me a brutal bed bath.  “I’m still chuckling at the pure mad joy of it all!”

Here’s what happened. One of our security measures is colour coded lanyards.  Standard operatives and managers wear a green lanyard.  Visitors get a blue lanyard.  Contractors –orange.  If we see somebody without the correct coloured lanyard – or without a lanyard at all! – we’re meant to challenge them.  Or, if challenging isn’t our thing, tell a Team Manager, who’ll challenge them.  Unless challenging isn’t their thing, and they’ll tell … somebody who likes challenging.  Jeremy Kyle?  Malcolm Tucker?  Worf?

Yesterday I went in – all innocent like – only to learn that a game was afoot! At some point during the day somebody would walk around the building not wearing the correct coloured lanyard.  Or perhaps – get this – not wearing a lanyard at all! You can imagine the excitement that generated.  We were abuzz, our eyes aroving.  Looking for that incorrectly lanyarded man.  Or woman (although it almost certainly would be a man).

Hello? Who was this walking towards us?  Only the ruddy Site Manager in a blue visitor’s lanyard.  “You’re not wearing the right lanyard!” we cried.

“Am I not?” replied the wag, and disappeared into his office and came out ten minutes later … in a black lanyard.   We didn’t even know those existed!  What was black for?  MercenariesNinjasSith lords?

“You’re still not wearing the right lanyard!” we cried again, getting into the Panto spirit of it all.

“Am I still not?” he rejoined and disappeared into his office and came out ten minutes later … in the correct green employee lanyard. We tried to hide our disappointment – some were hoping for a pink lanyard, others a sparkling glitter one – and he seemed to sense it.  “The day’s not over yet!” he winked and swaggered off.

We were all so high on fun that Comical Barry decided to take his lanyard off and replace it with a brown lace. We roared.  Then Joking Jenny removed her lanyard and replaced it with a ribbon from her handbag.  We roared again.  Then Droll Dave swapped his lanyard with a bandage from the first aid box.  We roared again, before being taken down to the Meeting Room and warned that removing our lanyards on the premises was a disciplinary matter.

What a crazy day, though! And in honour of it, I’m writing this in a yellow lanyard I kept from the last place I worked.  What am I like?

THE END

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