Six months ago somebody at work recorded a programme about a man who had plastic surgery to look like a squirrel. He finally watched it yesterday – “I chuffing well forgot all about it!” – and wouldn’t stop yammering about it over break today. Boy, would he not stop yammering. “He had whiskers, a button nose and buck teeth… He looked a right tit, and lost his job because of it! The chuffing great moron!”
That got us discussing what animals we’d have surgery to look like. Everybody, without exception (although I did only discuss it with four people) wanted to look like a big cat. A lion, a tiger, a puma and an ocelot.
Not me, why be something that’s being hunted to extinction by James Bond villains and wealthy American tourists? No, I opted to be remodelled as a swan. That way it would be illegal to kill and eat me. And I could break a man’s arm with my wing.