Six months ago somebody at work recorded a programme about a man who had plastic surgery to look like a squirrel. He finally watched it yesterday – “I chuffing well forgot all about it!” – and wouldn’t stop yammering about it over break today.  Boy, would he not stop yammering.  “He had whiskers, a button nose and buck teeth…  He looked a right tit, and lost his job because of it!  The chuffing great moron!”

That got us discussing what animals we’d have surgery to look like.  Everybody, without exception (although I did only discuss it with four people) wanted to look like a big cat.  A lion, a tiger, a puma and an ocelot.

Not me, why be something that’s being hunted to extinction by James Bond villains and wealthy American tourists? No, I opted to be remodelled as a swan.  That way it would be illegal to kill and eat me.  And I could break a man’s arm with my wing.



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